Lost 1
This is a journal entry, not conscious of public discretion, in the now, or the future.
I am afraid of the immense activity that I will have to put up with if I continue my not architectural job.
I am afraid that I will have to face an existing piece of failure if I quit it.
However, none of it let’s me do what I really want to do.
The job does not give me happiness or the time to pursue those things that make me happy.
The job does not give me any respite, despite the fact that the place is buzzing with people.
The capacity to create would make it so amazing for myself since that is all that I want to do.
As my handwriting seems to distract me, I am looking for objects/ ideas, thoughts to build a discretion around.
What I want is no attachments binding me around my choices with time.
I can write, I love to travel, I love creating Architectural design.
A part of me still doubts my love for Architecture.
A part of me fears that there is much value placed on public opinion when deciding the course of action that I take.
Often that’s not true, but more often than not, it is.
Of this particular behaviour, I will need to be watchful.
The best of me has come out in action when my aim, and purpose had not been built upon ideas of “What will look good on me?”.
The best of me had often, and still comes out of the complete disregard of the above idea, and undoubtedly in the forgetfulness of it.
The idea of creating for the sake of creating does not make me money even if it may serve the society with no addition of art.
I had thought of building a delivery service that’s by the people, for the people, and of the people.
The only hurdle here is accountability.
Sometimes, I feel lost when it comes to deciding the next best thing to do.
The fact of being alone in my practice, doing everything from measuring sites with a tape, regular visits at a print shop, to handing over the keys to a client.
These small essential tasks do not bother me.
What has bothered me for almost a decade is unavailability of a person to soundboard.
Options that vary from deep design discussions, to choosing what meal to order, or cook for lunch /dinner.
I have spent years looking.
Although the dull mood of everyday life makes such relations stagnant at some point, it has taken me quite a lot of time to realise that every individual is alone in their journey.
And as you get closer to the top, every decision is a lonely decision.
I have realised after tumbling around different industries in the search for a product /services, that the best ideas are often your first ideas.
Usually the instinctive step that your mind tells you when you look at a person /thing is the thing to do that will get you the best outcome.
Although most of life will ask a different version of you in the various stages of life, you are better off going with the flow.
The plans that we often make are the second best options that are available at hand.
Thought is the most delusional aspect of everything.
Thought can often lead us to believe that everything has a step by step program.
But we fail to realise /consider that circumstances change.
That human potential to deal with changing circumstances is infinite.
The power, and nature to adapt is the sole reason why the human race has come so further ahead from the other animal species on this planet.
Adaptability is the only lesson here.
Executing your first thought or the instinctive idea that comes to you when you look at anything is the best step.
“Somehow, your heart already knows what you need. “ Steve Jobs.