Brida 2
I told you I am a filler but I have never told anyone what I think about myself, and to me it just means that I am stressed.
And these thoughts are leaking in fragments, and I am telling them to you because I have never taken any one to theatre or a dining out too.
Hell! I have had many dates many more than men can count but to you I can pour my heart out.
Hell I have had women ready with makeup, and all in the same room as me but I canned on them still such guts I have held but it all vanished when you were around.
I have always felt like a filler some friends said it’s nothing but emotional baggage, and I have tried but in vain.
I know cures to most things that trouble a human heart but an answer to this I cannot tell.
I wished to see you romantically of course but then you are just 18 I am almost a decade older, and you wanted a friend.
So I am trying to tell myself that I cannot do to you what I am looking for myself for ages since.
I want a person just a person to crash but it’s a lot of emotional baggage attached.
I have tried my best to keep this within me but the idea that scares me is that of regrets again.
Of not telling you this, and parting away, and never know what it might be if things work a bit differently ages hence.
I am so confused though my face doesn’t show I cannot see beyond you anymore.
Most of my answers for life lie elsewhere but the thought of your absence pain me so much more.
I am trying to hide it under the cloak of being friends, and I wish I can keep it that way but the pain hurts me to a point of numbness.
I know we work together, and you have these rules I am praying that the next few weeks will be gentler to me.
I wanted to tell you, all of this tomorrow but I was losing too many people, and beautiful lines than my mind can remember to share.
So, I am writing this down I am sorry again I wish you would understand I just want you to decide for us over my numb selfish mind doing the honours instead.
I just want to be happy with what makes you stay for the idea of losing a friend hurts.
It hurts beyond repair.
For I have helped a million people in ways different but none of them have valued it, and thrown me away.
I don’t seek attention maybe acceptance is the word but I don’t want to cry for it like this week again.
It’s been so good of her to trust me with her shop, and her store but I don’t see what lies ahead.
I am just so lost in an endless mystery but when it comes to the future I cannot see, anymore.